O dia em que Agilulfo Samsa encontrou-se com Bradamante Baudolina
O acontecimento se deu no reino Frascheta, um pouco antes de Bradamante Baudolina traçar o destino a favor de Rambaldo. O duelo foi postergado durante semanas, mas, por insistência de Baudolina, o fatídico dia chegou. Munida dos manuscritos em latim raspados, da espada de nanquim, do escudo semântico, do elmo da L'oreal e, claro, da armadura profissional, lá foi Bradamante cruzar a linha divisória do seu adversário: Agilulfo Samsa. Era para ele ser inexistente, e assim foi durante muito tempo - enquanto B.B. achava que não havia nada embaixo daquela armadura - mas, de repente, num desses dias ao acaso, saiu do elmo um bicho asqueroso, com patas incontáveis, casco duro, antenas pegajosas e um abdômen retorcido que dificultava a respiração traqueal, fazendo daquele inseto mais horrendo do que parecia. Doravante, Bradamante arrefeceu, Agilulfo enrubesceu, Rambaldo apareceu e o duelo foi marcado.
O cair da tarde em Frascheta é sempre penoso, porém agradável aos olhos. O fim de journée parece cair inteiro sobre as suas costas, como se o céu desabasse todos os sacos de areia que foram usados para manter o espetáculo do dia todo em pé, na sua cabeça. Mesmo assim, com as costas flageladas e a cabeça pesada, pode-se admirar o sol ao horizonte, num jorro policromático de dar inveja a qualquer produtor hollywoodiano.
Neste cenário, encontraram-se Bradamante e Samsa. Parada súbita. Desembainhar das espadas. Olhos nos olhos. Nariz com nariz. Espada com espada. Raiva com raiva. Ranger com ranger. Cerra-cenho com cerra-cenho. Bufada com bufada. Tensão com tensão. E senta aí, vamos tomar um café.
Enquanto Baudolina falava alemão, Samsa entendia em grego, respondia em tchéco e B.B entendia em russo. Para não restar dúvidas de que ambos estavam entendendo-se perfeitamente, travaram os termos do duelo por escrito: Bradamante escreveu em latim, Agilulfo achou que era - e leu em - árabe; e, nos parágrafos feitos por Samsa, Baudolina tinha certeza que lia trechos em hebraico, ao passo que Agilulfo escrevia em catalão.
Samsa ainda estava entorpecido pela noite anterior - que não fora muito tranquila - e Bradamante ainda estava se recuperando de alguns meses na montanha para curar um prenúncio de tuberculose (como se não bastasse o tratamento, ainda tomou para si o trabalho de mediar o conflito ferrenho entre dois companheiros da casa onde se hospedou). Mesmo com cansaços subjetivos latentes e não-declarados, o clima entre Agilulfo Samsa e Bradamante Baudolina não estava para condescedências... de nenhuma das partes. Os termos do contrato foram esmiuçados e não havia mais nada a declarar.
Olhos nos olhos. Espada, escudo, armadura, posição de ataque e IÁ! B.B ataca pela direita, Agilulfo pela esquerda e... ambos atacam o ar. Novamente. Eles se olham, sacam a espada e... IÁááá... cada um para um lado de novo. Decidem atacar-se de frente. Respiração ofegante, raiva ascendente, orgulho pulsando nas veias, não há erro, eles estão próximos, é só enfiar a espada bem ali... é agora ou nunca... e Samsa conseguiu. Bradamante esqueceu que o escudo semântico, nos termos muito bem escritos, torna o seu portador vulnerável. Agilulfo não perdoou nem o silêncio da quebra da linguagem, simplesmente enfiou, arrancou e limpou a sua espada de qualquer resquício daquela cena insignificante e desprezível. Baudolina, como boa contadora de história, fingiu mais dor do que sentia - menos por orgulho do que por comodidade - e se lembrou de que ela também era o reflexo de Agilulfo Samsa. Ou seja, atacando-a, Samsa também atacava a si próprio.
Num ímpeto, B.B enrolou seus manuscritos, refez seu escudo, fechou seu elmo, ajeitou sua armadura, despediu-se de Agilulfo - que agora tinha o bicho sobre a sua cabeça em posição de ataque, com as patas peludas e úmidas agitando e agonizando fervorosamente - e pôs-se a cruzar a fronteira além-Frascheta. Enquanto as pernas e os braços da armadura de Baudolina moviam-se sozinhas para cruzar a linha, ela, encolhida lá dentro, no ventre de sua própria casca, sacudia e chorava copiosamente... por ter vencido.
Afinal, num cantinho qualquer lá da Frascheta, Agilulfo Samsa lutava contra o bicho em sua cabeça, envergonhava-se do sangue em sua espada e não continha o aperto indelével em seu coração quando, ao reler o termo, viu que "ruoma nom asmas" não era apenas mais um trocadilho latinesco de B.B para confundi-lo, senão o real motivo pelo qual ela estava ali: "samsa mon amour".
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